Guide for Mending Chaotic Bonding in Mature Individuals

In the complex world of human relationships, one attachment pattern stands out for its inconsistency and unpredictability - the disorganized attachment style. This style, one of four main types identified in attachment theory, is characterized by a mix of desires for closeness and fear of intimacy or partners, resulting in confusing and chaotic behaviors [1][3][4].

Individuals with disorganized attachment style often face difficulties with intimacy and trust. They may simultaneously seek closeness and push partners away due to anxiety or fear, creating a push-pull dynamic. Emotional dysregulation is another common challenge, with individuals showing intense moods such as anger, anxiety, or sadness, and sometimes freezing or dissociating under stress [2][4].

The disorganized attachment style also leads to conflict and communication challenges. The difficulty in expressing emotional needs can cause confusion, frustration, and increased relationship conflict. Fear and mistrust, rooted in past trauma or neglect, make it hard for these individuals to maintain healthy boundaries and to rely on others emotionally [4].

Disorganized attachment disrupts the ability to form stable, secure relationships due to deep-seated fear and inconsistent coping mechanisms, complicating intimacy, trust, and emotional connection [1][2][4]. However, healing from this style is possible and transformative.

The healing process happens on three levels: mind, body, and spirit. At the mind level, healing involves rewiring beliefs, practicing self-compassion, and developing healthier narratives. At the body level, healing involves regulating the nervous system through somatic and creative arts practices. At the spirit level, healing involves redefining one's inner compass, connecting with inner wisdom, and rebuilding a sense of purpose [5].

One transformative course designed to help break ingrained patterns and learn skills for emotional regulation, setting healthy boundaries, and building healthy communication is The Courageous Communicator [6]. This journey towards healing is not easy, but it is achievable with the right inner work, tools, and support.

It's important to note that people with disorganized attachment style often develop profound emotional intelligence and creativity. They are not broken; they want to feel safe, seen, and deeply loved. Feeling calm, confident, and connected in relationships is achievable through the right inner work with the right tools and support [7].

However, living with disorganized attachment style often feels like an emotional tug-of-war. It affects relationships and dating life, causing patterns such as overgeneralizing small differences into big relationship-ending fears, black-and-white thinking, and power struggles. Partners may misinterpret the behaviors of people with disorganized attachment style as manipulative or gaslighting [8].

Understanding attachment patterns unlocks the power to shift relationships, calm the nervous system, and rewrite the story one has been unconsciously living out. Healing from disorganized attachment style means learning to separate core worth from painful experiences and developing the growth challenges of letting go of old beliefs and adopting new, empowering beliefs [9].

For those struggling with disorganized attachment style or overlapping mental health challenges, working with a trauma-informed mental health professional is highly recommended [2]. They can provide the guidance, support, and tools needed to navigate this complex healing journey.

Sources:

Main, M., & Hesse, B. (1990). Parental loss and the development of disorganized/disoriented attachment. Psychological Bulletin, 108(3), 356-369.
Crowell, J. A., & Treboux, D. E. (2008). Disorganized attachment in children: a review of the literature. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 11(3), 247-263.
Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (1999). Disorganized attachment in maltreated preschoolers: predicting later psychopathology. Development and Psychopathology, 11(3), 371-387.
van IJzendoorn, M. H., Schuengel, C., & Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J. (2007). The development of disorganized attachment: a meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Development and Psychopathology, 19(2), 289-315.
Levine, P. A. (2010). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.
The Courageous Communicator (n.d.). Retrieved from https://thecourageouscommunicator.com/
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out: How to raise loving, happy kids when you're stressed, exhausted, or feeling frustrated–maybe even overwhelmed. TarcherPerigee.
Johnson, S. M. (2004). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
Rothschild, B. (2000). The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment. W.W. Norton & Company.
The complexities in human relationships are highlighted by the disorganized attachment style, marked by a blend of intimacy desires and fear of closeness, resulting in inconsistent and chaotic behaviors.
Individuals with disorganized attachment style grapple with difficulties in forming intimate relationships due to their fear and mistrust, rooted in past traumas or neglect.
Emotional regulation is a constant challenge for those with disorganized attachment style, with intense mood swings and the tendency to freeze or dissociate in stressful situations.
Healing from a disorganized attachment style involves rewiring beliefs, practicing self-compassion, and developing healthier narratives at the mind level.
At the body level, healing involves regulating the nervous system through somatic and creative arts practices like play, a key therapeutic tool in the healing journey.
Spirited healing involves redefining one's inner compass, connecting with inner wisdom, and rebuilding a sense of purpose to foster personal growth.
The courageous communicator course aims to help individuals break ingrained patterns, learn emotional regulation skills, set healthy boundaries, and build healthy communication.
People with disorganized attachment style are not broken; they need to feel safe, seen, and deeply loved in order to foster calm, confidence, and connection in relationships.
Disorganized attachment style can negatively impact relationships and daily life, causing patterns like fears based on small differences, black-and-white thinking, and power struggles.
Understanding attachment patterns is the first step towards shifting relationships, calming the nervous system, and rewriting one's unconscious life narrative.
For those struggling with disorganized attachment style or overlapping mental health challenges, working with a trauma-informed mental health professional is crucial in navigating this healing journey.